Stranger than fiction

I love the way people live in commercials on television between 6:30 and 8 pm EDT. While I’m trying to eat dinner and write, they are all dying of toe fungus and insomnia and jiggy legs, constipation and diarrhea. I have these conditions, too, but they don’t seem to require medications that will, as side effects, cause me to have jiggy legs, insomnia, constipation and diarrhea. I think I just have small to average cases while the commercial people have terminal cases. Their conditions are LARGER THAN LIFE. There is this really cute guy in one commercial who has an unknown condition- they never tell me from what he suffers. They just advise me to ask my doctor if, I too, suffer from this condition and need a prescription for Abruptobleva.

Me: Can I talk with Dr. Smith, please? (I’m so average that my doctor really is named Dr. Smith.)

Phone person: Can I ask what this is regarding?

Me: I’m not certain. I may have a condition. I’m supposed to ask my doctor.

Phone person: Well, what are the symptoms?

Me: I’m not certain. But I’m wondering if I should be on Abruptobleva.

Phone person: Why don’t you leave your number and I’ll have Dr. Smith’s nurse’s assistant phone you when she’s free.

Right. The infamous 3 degrees of separation from your primary care physician that is the curse of the average Jane. There will be an ice rink in Hell when I can get my free sample of Abruptobleva let alone find out what’s wrong with me.

Actually, I have a vague idea. It’s my diet. While I was watching a commercial where these three girlfriends discussed what they had for dinner, I realized mine was-uh- beyond commercial worthy.

Girlfriend #1: I had a pint of caramel fudge ice cream.

Girlfriend #2: I had a left over slice of pizza and four stale Girl scout cookies.

And finally, girlfriend #3: I had chicken Parmesan with broccoli sauteed in Marsala wine extract with slivered almonds and pasta de giorno.

Me? I had a dinner that left me feeling like Kitty Dukakis in her finest hour. Bob Evans instant mashed potatoes (past date) mixed with egg and fried into a soggy mess of potato pancake. A side order of Italian sausage from Pizza House. Cranberry juice with Johnny Walker Red Label and Cap-10 lemon-lime.

Do you see what’s happening around here because everybody is too busy writing fiction to go out to the grocery store? Rich is in his downstairs office on Chapter 23, eating his Reuben sandwich from Pizza House. Left unchecked and without vodka, I’m reduced to this.

11 responses to “Stranger than fiction

  1. Look what unbridled, rabid competition does to people who are normally quite reasonable. Have the animals been fed? You better check to make sure they haven’t posted signs in the windows: Help! Save us! Will Meow for food!

    Abruptobleva? A sudden shortening…no that would be abruptobreva! Sorry, I plead ignorance. With all the strange ailments in commercials now one longs for the days of “the painful itching and burning of hemorrhoids”.

  2. Roxanne- I made that drug name up. I’m considering going to work for Pfizer- they have a big presence in town. I’m about to feed everything avian and four-footed right now. I was hoping one of the cats would come back in with a bread machine part but no such luck.

  3. When I see those commercials I can’t help but think how much those people are paid to be the poster child for herpes or the dysfunctional male parts, etc. I mean forever when they walk down the street they will be the girl with herpes and the man with erectile problems even though they most likely do not have those problems.

    We had take out last night. Tonight I am pulling a chicken pie out of the freezer. I am trying to catch up with my word count. It is slow going!

  4. You should make Rich do every other post so you can keep up in the NaNoWriMo “contest”. (Uh, btw, where do I apply for my Abruptobleva?)

  5. I’ve heard Abruptobleva is good for writer’s block. You better lay up a good supply! As for me, I’ve already quit 😉

  6. This is why the no-boob-tube-during-dinner rule is in place here. I’m assuming you received Dr. Smith’s permission before taking yoga. Has anyone ever really asked, “Doc, may I have your permission to get some exercise?” Yoga and Pie-plates seem to be agreeing with you, Vicki, based on recent internet photos.

  7. Abruptobleva: A sudden leave-taking by Madame Blavatsky. (google her).

  8. Abruptobleva: A sudden leave-taking by Madame Blavatsky. (google her).

  9. I think that potato thing sounds good, and the drink too. Of course, I am part Irish so both those things appeal to me. How is the writing going? I could never do it, but admire those who put in all that effort.

  10. Judy! Why haven’t you turned me on to the Madame before this? I could have been reading all through the summer and then just THINK of what IO could crank out for NaNoWriMo? This is post worthy. You do it or I will…Some of her finer works:

    Secret Doctrine – 2 volumes, 1888. Madame Blavatsky’s magnum opus on the creation of the universe, the evolution of humankind, and the primordial tradition underlying the various religions, mythologies and philosophies of the world. See Secret Doctrine Page for more information

    Isis Unveiled – 2 volumes, 1877
    Blavatsky’s first major work outlines the errors of orthodox Christianity and the fallacies of established science against the backdrop of the Esoteric teachings.

    The Key to Theosophy – 1889. Blavatsky answers basic questions about Theosophy. A good introduction for inquirers.

    Voice of the Silence – 1889. Blavatsky’s mystical treatise for those who desire to tread the “Path”.

    Transactions of the Blavatsky Lodge – 1890-91. (Transactions of the Blavatsky Lodge) Blavatsky’s answers to questions of students who had been reading the first part of Volume I of  The Secret Doctrine.

  11. OMG…. I laugh my ass off at all of those “hint hint we can’t tell you what this drug is really FOR, otherwise we have to put that distasteful disclaimer telling you that taking it will cause explosive gas and projectile vomiting” ads… and now I know that they are for Abruptobleva!

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