This morning I’m torn between writing a blog post and writing my last will and testament. It appears I’ve fallen to the side of blogging. And that, my friends, is indicative of my poor choices in general and my need to make some changes. Things have gotten altogether too silly, too superficial around here and now I’m confronted with the notion that, if I die, I’m leaving behind photos of tampons autographed by Amy Sedaris.
No, I’m not going to die. We all know that. On the other hand general anesthesia is one of those relatively high-risk things, as day to day life goes. So even though I have every confidence that all will go well, I’m in the same state of mind as I am prior to getting on a 160,000 pound airliner and leaving the country for two weeks, only heightened. It’s a moment to consider everything I need to do and everything I’ve left undone.
I need to clean the house, pay the bills, empty science out of the refrigerator, change the sheets, mail about a dozen notes, cards, small packages that have been sitting here on my desk, make sure the children are running smoothly- and probably, write out a little note of sorts saying who gets the taxidermied fox if I die. I need to download one of those medical advocacy things and fill it out because I lost (analyze that) the one they gave me at pre-op and I told Rich that if I lose so much as another five points, IQ-wise, they should pull the plug. Age and hormones have already taken a serious toll on the gray matter I had left after giving birth twice.
More looming, front and center, are the bigs things left undone.
I haven’t cleaned up my act sufficiently in terms of caring about my impact on the future of this planet. My disregard is reflected in my diet, the way I mismanage our garbage and waste materials, and my unwillingness to fully utilize mass transportation.
I haven’t yet found it in me to be the Christian (Buddhist, Muslim, Taoist, Jew…) I want to be. (There go half the readers; I know- I was enjoying Amy Sedaris, too.)
I don’t measure up to even my own measly standards of kindness, charity and love and it’s not that I’m hoping to buy my way into Heaven. If there is such a thing, I’m fairly sure it’s free admission for most of us. But I am unbending in stupid matters of will and I am stubborn and selfish. Hopelessly selfish. I believe in tithing, not necessarily in the passed plate, but in the sense that I should be able and willing to give at least a tenth of myself to The First Church of Those Who Haven’t. Hell, I should rejoice in the fact that I am in a position to do that. And yet, I don’t. I’m unhappy about that. And don’t bother negating that one in the comments because it may or may not be true about you, but it’s certainly true about me and this is about me and there’s no way I’m giving myself a pass on that one.
Here’s a big one I fear is left undone: beyond my children and mother nature, I haven’t yet found true love on this earth. I’m not certain on this, because I love my husband in a rock solid way, completely and totally, for better and worse (that’s been tested) and in work and play. And yet. There are moments when I hold myself separate from him and those are times when I am afraid or overwhelmed with sorrow. If it is “true love” aren’t you supposed to turn towards that person in those moments? I just don’t know. Maybe it’s not about love but about trust. Or maybe it’s funky chemistry. I have to think about that and I still haven’t done that yet and I need to spend some serious time in self-examination. I should because one of us, at some point, is going to die first and that will be a scary and sorrowful time, yes?
Undone: Reading enough to write a book. I read plenty- two, three books per week.
Right now I’m reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pullen and Blindness by Nobel Prize Winner Jose Saramago. One, a factual history of four meals that will make you want to puke and then rethink your place in the food chain and the other a masterful allegory. So, I read a lot. But have you been in the bookstore or library lately? Now that people order off of Amazon and other online services, it’s easy to disregard the mountains of fine, fine literature out there. And with all of that we don’t need more dreck cluttering up the place so I’m not writing until I read a lot more.
Undone: I haven’t persevered in the pursuit of what might be a real talent and that is some artistic expression of my gifts around form and texture and color and nature. That sounds vague (because I haven’t really pursued it) but I suspect I have the sort of brain and sensitivity that lends itself to either fiber arts or photography or landscape architecture in a better-than-your-average-bear sort of way. I think it might be in some innovative combination of those sensibilities. It’s not about surpassing the artistic talents of others; I just think I have some exceptional talent there that I haven’t fully tapped into and I would like to find the focus to do that for myself. I tinker too much in my life- with knitting, “taking pictures”, gardening, weaving, writing, cooking- and don’t really go deep.
Undone: I can’t do Vrschiksana in yoga. There are a lot less difficult things in yoga that I also cannot do and this is a good example of another area, where if I applied myself, I could do it and I would be happier and feel better and be healthier.
Okay, you get the idea. Lots of things I haven’t done going into general anesthesia. Or before crossing the street. I’ve been wondering where blogging fits into all of this and I think, lately, not very well. So, I am going do something about that, now, before I drift off via an IV. I met an excellent blog tech woman at BlogHer with lots of good, specific answers and ideas and positive energy all over the place. I’ve been complaining about Typepad and this blog (which is solely the fault of the author) for some time now and I’m going to switch. Hosting services, appearance, format, and most of all, content. Rather than quit blogging altogether, I’m going to try to create an online journal that is more closely aligned with the things that I think and hope are important to me. If that fails, I may have to get a job.
I’ll let you know when the new site is up and how to link to it. Should be just a few days. See you on the other side!