What Not to Knit

I’ve made no progress on my sweater this past week and I have lots of excuses: the weather’s been too nice, I’ve been working on the garden, checking out the bayou,etc.  Also, I took time to fall off my bike. This was some kind of payback for getting so much pleasure out of FC’s post on "Stupid things I’ve done" and for telling Abby she runs like a platypus. We were tooling along at a good clip and the wind snagged my silly sun hat, which I wear religiously, and without even thinking I reached up with BOTH hands to catch it and simultaneously slammed on the brakes. For one brief second in time I was getting high marks for Xtreme Games but then I took the handlebar in the, ah, chest and slammed onto the road with both knees. And they were not the best looking knees in town before this happened. So, I’m sorry for everybody I laughed at and made fun of this week. The Snarl, Lawwrry, Rich. YOU, if I offended you. Everyone except the Manatee Shrieker.

Another thing I was trying to spend a little time on this week was connecting with friends, by more than just e-mail. Since I hate talking on the phone this is not always real easy and I felt a bit hurt when I made the effort and called Patti to chat and her husband told me she was "busy."  When I found out busy with what, I figured it was okay and I would hear from her once she got things cleared out up away taken care of. She was busy drinking a gallon of Go-Lightly. Do you think there has ever, EVER, been a worse, less accurate misnomer? EVER??

Anyway, the world is always funnier after you’ve gotten the thumbs up on your completed colonoscopy so today Patti sent me a very funny link to a blog. The  blog is called "What Not to Knit"– brace yourselves. Within the blog there is another link to an eBay Power Seller, who handknits all sorts of, um, peculiar items. Like mohair "willy warmers" (go look!) Moi? I thought these shorts might come in handy, now that I’m spending some serious time in Florida. The color and fit will go nicely with my white thighs and puffy rainbow knees…5d_1

I’m not doing any knitting this weekend, though. The truck with our remaining worldly goods, from Wit’s End and the house in Ann Arbor, shows up tomorrow morning at 10. In the final days and hours of that move the catch phrase for everything that wasn’t going to fit in Chicago became, "Just send it to Florida." It’s been five months and I no longer even remember what’s on that truck. All I know is I don’t want any of it. Rich has been waiting for his motorcycle  so that’s one thing. Otherwise, since I can’t remember what it is and I haven’t missed it and I have all I need to live simply and comfortably here and in Chicago, I just don’t want it. I wonder what it would take to get the movers to drop off the bike and just leave?

(I just noticed that if two more people are bored enough to visit tonight I will have had 90,000 visitors in the 22 months I’ve been keeping this journal. Are you guys whacked wonderful or what? I think I’ll knit a pair of those shorts for my 90,000th visitor…)

28 responses to “What Not to Knit

  1. I’m so glad I’m 89.999 and not 90,000. Ouch, I’m sorry you fell. That is NO fun. As for the shorts…I know now why I never learned to knit. Have fun unpacking all the stuff you forgot you ever had.

  2. You insulted a gay gardener;
    Your daughter, and your lover.
    It’s karma time, so suck it up:
    Knit a bike helmet cover.
    And in the meantime, if you please,
    I’ll listen to Eva Cassidy’s
    Somewhere Over The Rainbow (knees).

    The Surplus Blanket Coat would be high fashion in Seattle, if only we had high fashion. There are other ways to warm a willy in inclement weather, but they can cause complications.

    Let’s live simply;
    Less is more.
    ‘Cept for those 11,
    Whom I adore.

    J’adore Vicki, aussi.

    Knit a bike helmet cover.

  3. BONNIE is my 90,000 visitor!! What color would you like your shorts, dear friend?

    Your poetry is divine,
    Each and every line.
    How DO you find the time?
    And I do truly think, you silly
    You would likely warm a willy
    in handknit shorts of lime?!

  4. : (

    I wanted the shorts.


  5. I’m kind of glad I’m not the 90,000th… no offense or anything. But congrats on being so wonderful, and here’s hoping you continue to feel we are worthy of sharing your wonderfulness worth for many years to come! *hugs*

  6. Thank goodness I wasn’t the 90,000 visitor. There isn’t enough yarn …..

    Don’t you get cranky over the FASFA and if you do… move down to the next post… breath…. do some of Bonnie’s stand on your head yoga moves (I cannot contort, or stand on my head) and let peace flow in…

    Falling off the bike…..you have no idea.. but, “Stupid Things I Have Done” sounds very good for a post title… yes?

  7. BWAAAhahaha! Yes, I am laughing! Thank you for the link!

    Those shorts would have looked so good on me, they’d really pick up the blue highlights on legs that haven’t seen the sun since I was about 8. Ah well, I suppose I’ll just have to knit my own.

  8. St. Petersburg-ite wannabe...

    I am sooooo sorry to hear you fell off your bike. Ouch, ouch, ouch. It has nothing to do with our age or lack of co-ordination does it? Naaaaw. I recall with great fondness my bike ride from Albert Whitted airport to my son’s apartment. I rode around the shops on the pier (when the Bounty was there) and by the Vinoy Hotel. It was great fun.
    Those blue knitted shorts are too much, or maybe not enough actually in my body’s case…
    Happy unpacking or leaving surprise boxes on your neighbors doorsteps.

  9. Sorry about your bike accident…love those shorts! Your stories always bring a smile!

  10. I think it was probably the platypus remark that tipped you over the Instant Karma edge. You know how vengeful those creatures can be!

  11. I’m moved to tears!!!

  12. Aren’t you glad you have your karma paid in full! Sorry to hear about that fall and those bruised knees. I wish I were #90,000. I think I may be #90,009. Isn’t that worth something? LOL.

  13. 90,010?

    Hi Vicki. Hope your knees and your pride are recovering.

  14. You know me – I want a picture of those boo-boo’d knees 😉

    Anything I’d knit would end up on that blog. I’m finding that I should be kept away from most crafts. I don’t know what happened…I used to be quite handy with a glue gun. Hmpt.

    Oh, and I’d like to see what arrives on the truck. Any taxidermy?

    PS- Thank you for saying I’m good. I never even knew Mary was talking about me!!


  15. You should have made posting a photo of said shorts a condition of receipt. 😀

    As for the truck, it will be like Christmas. Only better, because, after all, you chose these things. Not some whacked out relative who thought you needed a George Foreman Grill. Again, for the third year running.

  16. Those stupid things posts come easy to me Vicki, there’s just so many to choose from!
    Cool clothes … well not actually, but one of my resolutions was to be nice.

    Sorry about your bikecident. Congrats on your 90,000 + visitors. How could we not drop by?

  17. Vicki, that link was worth posting (eeewwww)! Those knitted shorts have got to go! And, sincerely, I’m so sorry you fell off your bike. There is nothing worse than falling, you know. Been there, done that. If you don’t want the stuff anymore, advertise a yard sale and include the blue knitted shorts. But keep the bird feeders.

  18. I am really glad that I was not the 90K-th, as the shorts would be totally wasted on me…LOL

    Sorry about your knees, Vicki, they must match mine now. Mine aren’t rainbow colored, but they’re puffy for certain! I think I am 90,015! A good round number. Congrats, Miss Vicki!

  19. I went to “What Not to Knit” and I want to smack every single person who came up with those ridiculous things.
    Made for a nice laugh…I think I will go back and look some more. It’s like a train wreck.

  20. A friend of mine had the exact same accident, complete with sunhat, but she landed on her face and lost all her front teeth. I would buy her yogurt every day. What was I saying? Oh yeah,

    You can paint them! And put beads on them! Yay!

  21. Dammit! I thought I left a comment here yesterday. I just wanted to say that it is perfect, SO perfect that Bonnie would be the 90,000th visitor.

    Hope your knees are okay. Ow.

  22. Thanks for the links. What a hoot. Personally, I like the panties from the eBay seller. I think I would be scratching my crotch like someone with a crab infestation, though.

  23. How are your knees healing? I have scoobie do band aides if you want them.

    And that little kid in the knitted outfit is starting to really creep me out.

  24. Do you have any GREEN AND WHITE yarn left?

  25. Seriously! Knitted kid has to go. (Update!)

  26. Oh my. Thanks for the link. I’ve got three projects on needles and haven’t worked on any of them in the last week. I can’t figure out why people would knit some of those things. Just becuase you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

  27. Sorry about the knees!

    Love the blue shorts. Think you could make them in a Carolina blue? Then I could sew a little Tarheel patch on them, and I guarantee they’d sell to some slavering UNC fan!

  28. Sorry about the knees!

    Love the blue shorts. Think you could make them in a Carolina blue? Then I could sew a little Tarheel patch on them, and I guarantee they’d sell to some slavering UNC fan!

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