Oh, no…(my entire substance abuse history in 600 words)

I have never written a post under the influence. Before. Hoss said he didn’t have his first beer until he was 14 and that was peculiar because most people his age drank earlier than that.  I never drank- ever- until I was 26. No one stopped me. I just didn’t. I was busy.

Then, when I started going out with the father of my children, I started going to the local blues bar on Friday and Saturday evenings. The first time I went I thought, gee, this is fun and I drank a pitcher of beer and 4 glasses of red wine. In retrospect I wouldn’t marry someone who wouldn’t at least advise me, first time out.

So, while he went and got the car, I sat on the steps breathing in that way that you do to avoid puking, except at that point you’re so caught up in the moment that you don’t know you’re avoiding puking, you’re just breathing funny and it strikes you as very odd. When he pulled up with the car and pushed the passenger side door open I said that I wasn’t allowed to take rides with strangers. He said he wasn’t a stranger, he was him, and I fell off the bar steps laughing.Then he drove me home and when I opened the door to get out my dear kitty, McTab, came up to rub on my feet. Which were trying to get solid footing before I stood up. I bent down, said "nice kitty" and hurled all over her. The father of my children saw me to the house and then kindly hosed down the cat.

The next day I recorded a video on infant and toddler cognitive assessment for the Johnson and Johnson Corporation. I still have that video and I clearly jump and then wince every time the 18 month old pounds the table with the red block. After that I didn’t drink again until Daniel was six months old- a rather long dry spell. But on that occasion we left him with my little sister and walked to a friend’s PhD celebration and I drank 3 glasses of champagne punch and giggled for an hour until the father of my children took me home to nurse the baby. Which I did, although I had no memory of it. 10 hours later I woke up with a start and shrieked because, prior to that, Daniel had not slept longer than 3 hours. I was certain that he was dead in his crib but no- he was just blissfully knocked out.
After that, I figured I’d found the cure to his colic and I would drink a beer before his last nursing of the evening. THAT, my friends, is how you get a baby to sleep through the night.

When I was 46 I smoked marijuana for the first time.  (I know- half of you are disillusioned and the other half think I’m a total nerd.) It burnt my throat and I nearly choked to death but I persevered. I was at a concert at Tanglewood and Yo-Yo Ma was playing (sorry, Bonnie). I have to tell you (now that my children have forgotten all about DARE): I liked it. It was great. The only drawback was smoking marijuana rendered me speechless. Which wouldn’t be a problem except I couldn’t speak for two days. Two whole days.  48 hours. Not a word. All I could do was giggle.

The next time I had two full days without children and nothing to do (about a year later) I tried it again and the same thing happened. I covered my head with a blanket and giggled. Tee hee. That’s it. I couldn’t speak. Not a word. Couldn’t. I gave up pot. Sort of sadly. It just didn’t fit in my life.

Now I have settled on a comfortable pattern. I like a drink. One. A glass of wine.
A gin and tonic. Or a martini at a fancy dinner out. Two and I have a headache. Three and I’m asleep. So I stick with one. Usually.

It’s been a long hard work week on the heels of a weekend with my parents and tonight we came out to Wit’s End. Where there is nothing to drink except a bottle of champagne left over from our wedding. I’m on my third glass. It’s really good. I’m also working my way through a pint of carmel apple carmel minus the apples. I’m using a spoon. It’s from Whole Paycheck and it’s really really good.
Rich is watching the Red Sox game and his back is to me and he hasn’t noticed yet. As soon as my feet can stick to the floor I’m going to bed. My blood sugar must be 400. I see a headache in my future.

Oh. Go Blue.

Advertisements

7 responses to “Oh, no…(my entire substance abuse history in 600 words)

  1. Heresy! I can’t believe you missed even one sublime note from Yoyo Ma!!

    You should consider sending your beer/night-nursing research to La Leche League. They suck that kind of thing up with abandon.

    Regarding the martini: shaken or stirred? I’ll be drinking champagne tonight with a certain handsome fellow Spartan as we celebrate our certain victory over the Wolverines! See ya…off to watch our points keep growing!

  2. Heresy! I can’t believe you missed even one sublime note from Yoyo Ma!!

    You should consider sending your beer/night-nursing research to La Leche League. They suck that kind of thing up with abandon.

    Regarding the martini: shaken or stirred? I’ll be drinking champagne tonight with a certain handsome fellow Spartan as we celebrate our certain victory over the Wolverines! See ya…off to watch our points keep growing!

  3. I only drank once. In the middle of the big problem the ex was in the other room talking to his girlfriend on the phone. I was depressed. He had started drinking a little and had a large bottle of Vodka in the cabinet. I mixed it half and half with orange juice to get it down. Hmm. I thought this was to help you forget your troubles. No such luck. So I did another one. And another. Then the vodka bottle was half empty. I got sick and immediately heaved it up. Of course Bozo (my name for him) watched me imbibe and hurl laughing. It’s a miracle I didn’t have acute alcohol poisoning since I’d never tasted it before. Next morning, a Saturday, I got up, got Nyssa ready and went on to work for the morning. Thank goodness, no hangover. I think I was a sad drunk, at least for the fifteen minutes I kept it down. Don’t they call vodka and orange juice mixed together a “screwdriver”? How appropriate for the situation. Learned my lesson. Never again.

  4. I’m not a huge drinker, for the same reasons you describe. One will do just fine, thank you.
    I LOVE the cure for colic, though. I tried a similar cure with hugh functioning autistic baby, when I was nursing her, but all I ended up with were headaches. It’s tough to be a mommy to a screamer when you’ve got a headache!

    I do love me some caramel apple dip minus the apples. Hmmm, I’ve even got some in the fridge. And, if by Whole Paycheck, you mean Whole Foods, well, that’s just about the funniest thing I’ve heard all day.

  5. The thought of you sitting there giggling with the blanket over your head is making me giggle. I was quite the experimenter in my youth. I’ve done more drugs than I care to list. But not for 26 years. Now a glass of wine or 2 and I’m ready for bed. So boring.

  6. You mean this image I had of you as another Hunter S. Thompson is TRUE?!?!

    You wild thang, you…. good thing I’ve never emulated your excess or who knows what would happen!!!

  7. The old wacky weed leaves me speechless as well…boy did I love that stuff! I can SOO see you giggling under that blanket 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s