A Little Clam Sex

This is a Happy Birthday post to one of my favorite friends in the
neighborhood. That would be dear Gene Maudlin at Old Horsetail Snake who turns 75 over the weekend, including both Saturday and Sunday,
because that long ago people got confused when it came to recording
birth certificates. This is also the time when my favorite grandmother-
in fact, one of my all time ever favorite people- would have been 100
years old. Sadly, she died fairly young but not before she was a
constant in my life, day in and day out, from the time I was a baby.
She was a social worker, a gardener, a Connecticut Yankee and a lover
of clams and Manhattans.

Back to Gene, aka Hoss. His daily fare is wonderfully funny nonsense
and his use of the mother
tongue ranges from the ridiculous to the sublime to the sometimes
naughty. I was hoping he would expand on his topic of Rhode Island’s
Porous Borders and throw in a few Quahogs for good measure but he
stayed on topic: How the Mormons peed the Great Salt Lake into a
tourist attraction. Usually he throws in something about sex for good
measure so, in an effort to pay birthday tribute to both Hoss and my
grandmother, the topic of this post is clam sex.

Midler1_1A clam is like sex. Even when it isn’t very good; it’s still pretty good. When it’s terrible, it’s really terrible.

"Where’s my weenie?" Hard-shell clams (cherrystone, littleneck, etc.) are born as males, and many become females later on.

Prozac makes clams horny.( Now the same researcher is feeding Viagra to snails.)

A restaurant was sued after a customer found a condom in her clam chowder.
"Laila
Sultan said she was eating at McCormick & Schmick’s Seafood
Restaurant on Feb. 26, 2002, when she bit into something rubbery.
"We said, ‘Of course. You’re chewing on a clam,’" said Paula Wild, one of her dining companions.
When she spit it out, Sultan, 48, said she discovered it was an unwrapped, rolled-up condom.
She
said she spent the next 15 minutes in a restroom vomiting and has since
seen a psychiatrist and taken medication for depression and anxiety.
(I wonder if it’s Prozac?)

Pay attention now, Hoss:

The soft-shell clam is also known as Manninose, piss clam,
long-neck clam, steamer, fried clam, Ipswich clam, and belly clam. Its
shell is so thin and brittle that you can easily snap it into pieces
with your fingers. The entire clam is too big to fit inside its shell.
The siphon (also called the snout or neck) hangs out. They’re called piss clams, because the siphon often sticks up through the sand, and when you walk by, they squirt you.

Finally,
if you read Hoss regularly, you know that he prefers the aphrodisiac
qualities of abalone, a relative of the piss clam. Here is a recipe for
you, Hoss and I will make it for you when I come to Oregon- promise.20021006abalone_1

1 pound cooked abalone, diced
*    1 medium cucumber
*    6 large lemons
*    3 tablespoons grated white radish
*    2 tablespoons rice vinegar
*    1 teaspoon sugar
*    1 teaspoon soy sauce
  Slice one end off of each lemon and save the end. Scoop out the pulp.
If the lemon will not stand upright, with the open end up, cut a thin
slice off the other end to level it. Peel the cucumber and chop it
coarsely. Combine the diced abalone and cucumber with the grated
radish, rice vinegar, sugar and soy sauce. Season with salt. Toss well,
then stuff into the lemons. Cover them with their "lids" and serve on
small saucers. Serves 6.

And, while you play the audioblog below (just because Hoss, by his own admission, is so darn pretty), I’m going to drink a toast to Gene and to Grandma Moe. Make mine a Manhattan.

2 1/2 oz Suntory® Royal whisky
1/4 oz Ricard® pastis
1/2 oz sweet vermouth
Stir with ice to chill and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a cherry, and serve.

Cheers, Gene! Happy, happy birthday to you and
may you live with good humor as long as you wish, make your pile and do everything else on
your list. Breathe easy, friend. And thanks for all you do to brighten our world!

And I hope all my friends will take a moment to hop on over to Gene’s sometime in the next day or two and wish him many happy returns.

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11 responses to “A Little Clam Sex

  1. Wellll that’s a little more than I wanted to know about clams BUT THANKS.

    HAPPYYYYY BIRTHDAY HOSS!!!!

    PS. I’m back!! Anddd I actually POSTED something -with PICTURES!!

  2. What a marvelous tribute to Hoss! Only fitting, of course! If it weren’t for the fact that he is donning the WRONG shirt tomorrow, he would be perfect!

    The waiter who justified the chewy clam/condom texture should have said, “Don’t take it out and wave it about-the rest will be wanting one, too.”

    I’ve never had a bad clam, thanks be to God!

    You got IT from your grandmother! Hoisting a virtual Manhattan in her, your, and Hoss’s honor!

    P.S. When is/was your birthday? You are being awfully discreet about this one…I know your fans would love to see a photo of you in your birthday suit ala palm fronds!

  3. I hope to post a tribute to “The Man” myself tomorrow!! I’m sure he’ll love all the attention ;0) Great write up Vic!

  4. I hope to post a tribute to “The Man” myself tomorrow!! I’m sure he’ll love all the attention ;0) Great write up Vic!

  5. Happy Birthday Hoss, and I’m rather envious that you get to have TWO days for it. I love birthdays and perhaps should work that into my celebrations somehow…

    And great post as a tribute to him, Vicki. I’m going to be paranoid about eating clams at restaurants now.

  6. A very good post, Vicki, one I know Hoss will appreciate very much. I LOVE that song, too!

  7. Geez, a eulogy, and I still got a year and 9/12ths to go! Hot damn.

    You know, I never thought about turning from pretty to beautiful, but if anybody can do it, I can.

    (Thanks VERY VERY much, Vickster. All that is plenty cute. But if you REALLY liked me, you’d get me a guest spot on the Jan and Bud Show.)

  8. “I will make it for you when I come to Oregon – promise.” – Vicki, has there been a decision about this…did I miss it? This week has been such a blur. Must go to Hoss’s site and deliver birthday greetings.

  9. I posted for his brithday, too. Great minds think alike!

  10. I posted for his brithday, too. Great minds think alike!

  11. Yes, happy birthday, Hoss, y’old pissclam.

    Abalone!!! I grew up in Morro Bay, CA – nothing like it!!!

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