There are a lot of things that ought to be illegal: Arby’s iridescent rainbow roast beef, cigarettes, abalone and child-proof pill bottles for starters. One thing that really should be against the law is Q-tips. Q-Tips are not good for anything but trouble. Putting a little cotton fluff on the end doesn’t change the fact that they are basically sticks designed to put where nothing belongs. I’m pretty certain that various body orifices are created to be self-cleansing without a lot of outside interference.
All that doesn’t stop me. About once every two years, I stick Q-Tips in my ears. It’s one of those things where I start thinking, hmm, my ears are sort of muffle-y; maybe they have too much wax in them. This is wrong thinking because you can never have too much wax in your ears: either way, it works itself out or you don’t have to listen to complaints about the lack of edible food in the kitchen, barring tomatoes. But I do it anyway, usually after watching golf on TV, because I forget that sportscasters always whisper when they discuss golf.
So I did it and now, of course, I can’t hear ANYTHING. Even as I was doing it I was saying, "Vicki, don’t do this…" but I did it. And after I had firmly packed any wax that was in my right ear tightly against one ear drum I moved on to my left ear and did the same. So, this beautiful Monday, I’m stone cold deaf.
I’m going to go get my ears candled in a few minutes. My friend, Judy, works for a chiropractor I know and although I wouldn’t let him touch my spine if my life depended on it I’m going to let him put burning wicks in my ears. I wouldn’t let him touch my spine because he’s one of those old fashioned crack-o-practors who twists your head around in such a fashion that you hear (even if your ears are plugged up because this sound occurs inside your head) bones, cartilage, and muscle grinding against each other so loudly that you know there’s no way you’re leaving there in anything but a vegetative state.
But being an old fashioned kind of guy he also does ear candling. Ping is all in favor of candling; I guess the Chinese have been doing this for a thousand years. It involves putting a tall hollow candle in your ear and setting it on fire. Between the heat and natural vacuum pressure the wax gets sucked out.
I could go to my internist and have the nurse blast my ears out with a firehose. That works. My brother said so and he’s had it done before. But I would have to wait four days for an appointment and I have to be able to hear House when it premiers tomorrow.
So I’m off to get my ears candled. Maybe he has a spare tapeworm, too. I can’t get these last five pounds off for anything. I’ll give you an update on this shortly.
TUESDAY UPDATE: This experience was interesting but disgusting to the degree that you don’t want an update. The good news is that my hair didn’t catch on fire and I can hear again. And Judy took me out for peel ‘n eat Cajun shrimp as a prize for being brave. So much for the tapeworm idea.
In the meantime, Sophie has been out rooting around in nature and came in with a giant slug (maybe it was a leech) stuck in her silvery coat. I got that out but then she snuffled one of those tiny round green velcro seed pods up her nose while trying to get those out of her fur. Now she is sneezing and snotting copiously, like a kid with a pea up her nose. I’ll be darned if I’m spending money on the vet when I won’t spend it on my internist. Where are those Q-Tips?